Its a long back story when I was in the second year of college. Though I was in a women’s college, the kind of fun we had was quite thrilling. I have been a very shy girl, reserved and afraid of being judged. So, I never dealt with a lot of men in my life. From having a girls gang in school to ending up in a women’s college, being around men was quite uncomfortable for me. I never knew about the right and wrong, what’s acceptable and what’s not and the list goes on.
A lot of people suggest me to lose weight, and they have always been like that whether they were family friends, neighbors or men I wouldn’t even interact with, and it had a significant impact on my self-esteem and worth. It took years for me to admire my own body, love the curves and not take anyone’s opinion too personally.
There was a time during my college when I lost 8 kgs in 3 months, and the reason I gave others was my goa trip. I wanted to have a beach body, but deep inside, it was my insecurity of looking like a fat ball in shorts. The second reason was my break up, only to find out that the guy was cheating on me. This made me more insecure, self-conscious, less worthy and everything you could ever imagine. People don’t have an idea of how betrayal feels like, especially when you have known them for a decade.
I started hitting off the gym whenever I could, thankfully, I was blessed with a gym in my college. Every time I got some free time, I would run to the gym, whereas my diet included juice, paper dosa and brown bread. Days passed by, and I finally started losing weight after working out for like 3 hours in a day, a little boost of self-confidence – ahh such a lovely feeling. Months passed by, and the weight became constant, it was 62, and it was stuck at that. So, I finally went to goa, had a fantastic time but after getting back, I had to give up the gym because of exams. Even though I continued to walk one hour a day, but with a proper Indian diet, my weight suddenly bounced back with three times more speed. It triggered my anxiety, and again people started saying “YOU’VE PUT ON WEIGHT” okay as if I don’t know it. Then after months and years, I just started backfiring at them, now if they would say something my response would be and HOW IT’S THE MATTER OF YOUR CONCERN? Thankfully, this worked, and now nobody says that shit to me. But it taught me a lesson, why earlier those people were able to affect me with their opinions and words was because I felt unworthy, did not love myself, had no confidence. But as I grew like an independent girl, had the confidence to speak up and courage to tell them how my body was none of their business.
When you don’t love yourself, the whole world will make you feel unloved, but when you fall in love with the person you see in the mirror every day, the universe will send that love back to you.